As I approach my 29th birthday and 30th year, the majority of my friends and all my siblings are now married and most have children. I've spent over a decade attending weddings of friends - not even ones that my parents have taken me along to - my friends. It's been amazing seeing so many lovely couples getting together and starting off on their own family journeys. I love weddings, I've even helped friends and family plan their weddings. I think it is an amazing celebration of love and my favourite weddings are the ones that really reflect the couples identity and interests. But this blog is not about weddings and it's not about marriage. It's about the other side of the coin.
Several months ago, I was catching up with a good friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a while. She is an amazing woman, with a lovely husband and delightful children. I was telling her how although I don't mind being single, sometimes it can feel pretty lonely - especially when everyone around you seems to be married or in a relationship. Often people, especially in Christian circles, will ask you why you're single (When I was 27, someone actually asked me why I wasn't married!!) or tell you that if you don't hurry up, you'll be left on the shelf (Yes! It's true. A well meaning relative actually said that to me a few years ago when my sister got engaged!) A lot of the time, being single isn't the issue, it's the comments like that which sting. As I poured my heart out to my friend, she really listened to me and then told me something which has made my heart feel ridiculously free ever since. She told me that sometimes she was a little envious of me. She told me how she loved her life and adored her family and wouldn't give them up for the world but sometimes when she saw me going travelling or moving to the other end of the country, she saw that I didn't need to compromise on the things that I wanted to do because there was nobody to compromise with! Wow - I had never seen it from that side before. Suddenly I felt a new found freedom that I had been taking for granted all along.
A couple of months after this, I was praying with a girl I didn't know. She couldn't have been more than 21/22 and I had a picture for her about dreams that she had locked away. She immediately burst into tears and blurted out that she had always wanted to get married and start a family but she felt like she was on the shelf. I could identify with her pain - I remember being a similar age and feeling the same. Even now, I feel an occasional pang in my heart when I'm around my siblings, their spouses and my nieces and nephews. There is a longing within me to be a wife and a mother. That isn't wrong but for some reason, girls often put huge pressure on themselves to find a husband, that they aren't enough on their own. Why is that? What are we being taught that makes us feel that? It's been going on forever and we see it in almost every walk of life. It needs to end. Ladies, you are not half a person. You are whole and you are dearly loved. Recently I saw a social media post which said, "Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." That is true and it is also true that your value doesn't decrease because you are not in a relationship. You have huge value because you are you. No one can take that away from you unless you let them.
If I had a pound for every time someone told me that it was the minute they stopped looking for a boyfriend, or the moment that they became content with being single, or when they really started pursuing God more than anything else and that's when they found their husband... I'd be a millionaire by now. And do you know what? Maybe that was true for them but it hasn't been for me and there is nothing wrong with that. I am not desperate for a boyfriend (that isn't the same as saying I don't want one), I am content with being single and I have pursued God like my life depends on it - not for a boyfriend but because that's what I wanted to do. I'm still single. There is nothing wrong with me. There is no magic formula. The time will be right when the time is right.
While I've been mulling all these thoughts over in my head, I was chatting to another friend, she asked me why I labelled myself as single. Married women don't label themselves as married all the time and mothers have their own identity aside from being a mum. So why was being single a large part of my identity. I realised that it was because other people around me kept labouring the point. Yes, it's true and yes, it's part of my identity but it's not my main identity. It's no more my identity than the fact that I'm a daughter or a sister. It's of much lesser importance than my identity as a daughter of God.
I have been single for the best part of 29 years, with a couple of relationships here and there - the majority of them not being highlights in my life! - and my life, for the most part, has been pretty brilliant. Why should I wait for a man so that my life can really start? To any single women reading this, singleness is not something to wish away. You may have already reached this revelation. If so - brilliant! But to those of you who haven't, don't be like me - get this revelation as soon as you can.
In the words of Natasha Bedingfield (there's a cheesy blast from the past!): "I'm not saying I don't want to fall in love, coz I would" but the next time you want to ask me about my love life, perhaps ask me how my relationship with God is instead. It's of a much higher importance and if there is something about my love life that you ought to know, you'll find out when you need to.
Peeks x
